Time, Self, Actions - Divided

In the hospital, there were no bells. Only clipboards, margins, and quarter-hours logged in handwriting by the staff and doctors.

Time wasn’t always split into quarters. The Sumerians gave us base-60 number system, the Babylonians carried it forward by applying it to time keeping, and later the bells at Westminster taught London to hear each passing fifteen minutes. Four notes for the first quarter, eight for the half, twelve for the three-quarters, and sixteen before the hour — a melody ringing through London air at the quarters.

In the hospital, there were no bells. Only clipboards, margins, and quarter-hours logged in handwriting by the staff and doctors. What Westminster measured in sound, the hospital measured in surveillance.

We were allowed to see our hospital records after we turned 18. I requested them and picked them up without an issue. About 100 pages of reports, diagnoses, and observation notes. Each page had 3 indented margins. Depending on who you were, you stayed within your designated margins: Doctors first margin, counselors second margin, and specialists third margin.

When I looked at the notes I could discern what role was entering their information. However, unlike today when everything is typed up, back then all notes were handwritten. This presented a problem for me. I couldn’t read the handwriting. It was slightly blurred due to it being copied by an old copier (remember 1980s copiers weren’t that great). So, the 100 pages of notes stat in my closet for decades.

Flash forward to today, and all the technological advances since the 1980s. I took another look at the notes, and wondered if A.I. could help. It did. After copying the notes into a pdf, I was able to upload the pdf to a site that converts handwriting to electronic text. The result – a file that had the “translated” paragraphs. I read the notes with interest, and noticed a pattern I didn’t expect, observations in 15 minute increments. I cleaned up a few that I found and listed them below.

Appeared to sleep all night.

Quiet, aloof, flat affect.

Obtained needed supplies for work program.

Attended all unit/team groups appropriately.

Participated in art therapy / creative arts groups.

Joined peers for games.

Isolated in room; refused to talk to peers.

Sat staring out window.

Pacing, fists clenched, agitated.

Observed crying / tearful in group.

Remained on unit restriction.

Spoke of missing friends outside; fearful about school.

Talked of revenge/anger toward parents.

Expressed suicidal thoughts (belt around pipes, etc.).

Denied suicidal ideation when asked.

Was bright during a family visit.

Depressed, sullen, trance-like state.

Refused group, sent to quiet room; struck walls.

Interacted appropriately during free time (occasional).

Wrote stories/letters in program time.

Created drawings (phoenix, rainbow with lightning, abstract waves, divided sun/moon, hills with storm clouds).

Spoke of feeling “blah,” “fine,” “fragile.”

Was cheerful when painting or in one-on-one art.

Talked about being afraid of rejection.

Reflecting on the notes 40 years after they were written brought me back to a time I had almost forgotten. My current self was reminded of how emotionally messed up I was. I was angry, depressed, and had no idea how much my brain’s chemical imbalance affected my thoughts and actions.

I felt for my younger self. I wish I could tell him that one day his experience would be a strength and a reminder of his resilience.

Writer observed writing a story for 15 minutes. No disturbances noted.